Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

A dead goose is called a ghoost

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.