Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
You Might Also Like
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Birds & Planes.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas