Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I need a long hot meteor shower
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.