Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
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gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.