Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Bill is short for Billiam
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.