Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.