Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am