Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

a badder mouse

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

🙏🏾

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.