Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.