go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
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Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
next question.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.