Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.