Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Sorry. Not sorry
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.