Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Hell yeah 👍
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10