“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?