“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge