Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.