“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
wtf is an acronym
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Favourite diary entry ever
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Need WebMD
