Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
She knows her part so well!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century