Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
What about second breakfast?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.