Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.

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*petting a dog*

So how long have you been blind, officer?

*gets arrested*


A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.


When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.


*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.


What if all this is just because the great game developer in the sky put us on autoplay?


How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.


I’m 89% certain I’m technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90’s early 2000’s cause I left for beer and never came back


Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.


Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose