twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.