@TastyTuneTweets

Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.

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@Mr_Kapowski

*petting a dog*

So how long have you been blind, officer?

*gets arrested*

@TheDjinnTrials

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

@SwedishCanary

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

@krisv_723

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

@ShellHasDragons

What if all this is just because the great game developer in the sky put us on autoplay?

@TheCiscoKidder

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

@Phook75

I’m 89% certain I’m technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90’s early 2000’s cause I left for beer and never came back

@weinerdog4life

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

@Darlainky

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose