Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

I’m never leaving this app.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

new wife guy just dropped

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”