Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous