Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings