Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

ㅤ

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks