Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
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Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.