Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Swedish for common sense.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?