interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
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Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land