Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.