Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
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My neck my back my allergy attack
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.