Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Meow
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.