“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
no one likes gloating
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me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.