“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
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You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?