Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .