Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

asked my bf how work was today

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.