Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.