Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”