“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now