“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
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a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
United Steaks of America
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”