Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
make up your mind
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Coffee is ready.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.