Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Got him!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
👍
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Message from the dog groomers
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?