Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup