Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Good morning!

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up