Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

I’m literally crying

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

X-tra spooky blend

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

checking out some reviews of my local library

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?