go easy on yourself <3
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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I hope Alan is OK
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
