go easy on yourself <3
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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
😂 amazing answer
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Worst perfume name ever.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely