go easy on yourself <3
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK