go easy on yourself <3
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Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The morning after pill, but for tweets
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.