Go girl power!
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i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Are we there yet?…
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“How’s your day going?”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.