Go girl power!
You Might Also Like
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I feel it
![]()
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.