Go girl power!
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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing