You Might Also Like
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
*updates tinder bio*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.