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I love you…
…r dog.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Dumple
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
