Go gym
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.