Go gym
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
multitasking lunch
