Go gym
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Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
kids play hide and seek like
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.