Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.