Go hard or stay average
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Had an epiphany today.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes