Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Why soy sad?
Hey I worked for it too!
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”