Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Match dot com, but for socks.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
(Gaming support cat.)
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I self medicate, therefore you live.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.