me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
You Might Also Like
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad