“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital