Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person