Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

get you a girl who

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.