Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.