Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

got so much cardio in today

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank