“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”