“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Where is your GOD now????
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
They got Raph!
This is a sub tweet
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.