“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Bear
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.