Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

A duv-egg? In this economy?

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota