Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Good morning

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

[eulogy]

line?

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.