Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I Can’t Tonight…
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.