Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

A tragic love story in two pictures.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.