Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.