Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

old twitter is back baby

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun