Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Saw this yesterday lol
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?