Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school